REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS RECAP:

S4 / E1 Wedding Planning, in Memoriam, and a Friendtervention

First off, this is my first official episode recap of the Real Housewives of Dallas, so enjoy. Second, can we talk taglines just to briefly note that Stephanie is clearly trying to talk like a serious grown up and not a baby in her tagline: “I never carry a grudge. It won’t match my shoes.” It’s a totally grown up voice, and I’m concerned, because I’ve missed that baby voice for months and I don’t know what I’ll do if her voice has now aged like most humans.

Scene 1: LeeAnne the connector. We are first treated to a planning session with LeeAnne and her new caramel highlights and we are put on notice that she was ALWAYS blonde before her Morticia Adams phase, so we should not be surprised at all by said caramel. We get a wonderfully fakey glimpse into her wedding planning and a grainy D’Andra flashback to accusations that her betrothed is unfaithful. But the real treat of the entire episode comes right in this first scene: Steve the wedding planner. Straight out of central casting. If Carl Lagerfeld and Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley were to procreate, you’d have Steve the wedding planner. We are told the wedding will be 300 people and sort of like a mullet: ceremony business in front, reception party in the back. LeeAnne makes it clear to anyone who wonders that her zillion dollar wedding will be practically free because people just GIVE her stuff since she’s such a connector. And of course that’s exactly how weddings work, amIright?

Scene 2: Cue up the Infomercials. Has D’Andra had a full-on facelift while we’ve been away, or are her lips just somehow more stretchy? D’Andra and her hot husband Jeremy discuss her thoughts about closing Ultimate Living, the company she fought and begged Mama “I dowunt give a DAWWWWG’S RIIIP” Dee for for the past two years. Apparently it’s been a hard night over there, and a good morning is in doubt, due to a lack of Christian television infomercials. That’s right: we are treated to a gem of information that I argue we need to go in MUCH deeper on: the lifeblood of their previous success was Christian infomercials, which have now ceased. All I know is I must see one of these—or preferably a mash-up of many of these—pretty much immediately, Bravo. Please and thank you.

Scene 3: CELLS and SELLS. Stephanie and her husband Shrek / Travis are scooting around their short sale redone mansion that used to have a pool in the living room on one of those wheely hoverboard things. Travis went to Harvard for 4 weeks twice, so he’s basically John Harvard—and we know JUST the guy to help him find the perfect pilgrim outfit for his next Crimson homecoming: LeeAnne’s wedding planner, Steve. By the way, Travis is enjoying a midlife crisis that has him working out like he’s getting ready for a pageant. But the most important parts of this scene are twofold: 1) Stephanie’s baby voice is back, praise [baby] Jesus; and 2) Stephanie pronounces “sales” as “sells” (or “cells”). Travis’ company started with 6.8 M dollars in SELLS instead of sales. Now it’s doing $75M in CELLS. Finally, Stephanie and Brandy with an i are planning a friendtervention with D’Andra and LeeAnne. What could possibly go wrong?

Scene 4: Please make this noise stop. Brandi’s baby is adorable, but her home in general is unbearable deafening chaos and her monster daughter needs a spanking. Why did I just realize at this moment after loving Brandy with an i since S1 / E1 of RHOD that her last name is “REDmond” and they ALL have red hair, from her and her previously-dickish-but-now-hopefully-nice-husband to their monster daughter and other children. Ok, I realize that’s how genes work: two reds mean all others will be red (that Stephanie found her also red son is just a bonus). It should be said that yours truly LOVES a redhead and runs a fledgling redhead rescue service, but business is slow, because who could part with a redhead—even Brandi’s terrible daughter is not to be cast aside like the monster she is, because her adorable red hair redeems her.

Scene 5: In loving memory of Glenn Simmons. Where else to talk to one’s mom about cutting her $60K two-country-club-gasoline-housekeeper-fillers annual budget than AT the cemetery visiting one’s beloved departed father? D’Andra gets in a few digs at her mom on how she handled the funeral, and how daddy would have handled everything better than Mama Dee. D’Andra now believes her mom INTENTIONALLY left her company in ruins and even referred to the company that she BEGGED for relentlessly as a “pile of shit.” That’s pretty rich. And speaking of rich, Mama Dee wants us ALL TO KNOW that she’s got PLENTY OF MONEY and she doesn’t give a rip about her gasoline money anymore, because she's FINE. And that the S on her forehead (what?! She literally doesn't have an S on her forehead. WTF is she talking about?) does NOT mean stupid.

Scene 6: Kameron’s VERY EXPENSIVE cruise. Kameron is packing for a cruise with the help of her notably sweet children discussing casual vs. fancy options. They’re helping her choose white jeans and something with trees in an homage to the tropics. These are the most authentically sweet children we’ve seen to date. One thing you should know about Kameron’s aforementioned cruise: it’s NOT CHEAP. And by that, she means it’s VERY EXPENSIVE. And by that she means YOU PROBABLY COULD NOT AFFORD IT. And by that she means SHE HAS MORE MONEY THAN MOST PEOPLE, And by that she means . . . ok, you get the point. And also, you should have FOMO about not being there—and NOT the “fun of missing out” kind. Finally, upon hearing there will be a friendtervention while she’s on her VERY EXCLUSIVE LUXURY CRUISE WITHOUT ANY DISCOUNTS WHATSOEVER ON ANYTHING, she needs to warn LeeAnne via voicemail: HEY GIRRRRRRL IT’S KAM! I wanted to warn you as a friend about D’Andra Blah blah blah—BEEEEEEPPPP. Kameron’s doubty nodding tone of voice is cosmically in sync with standard phone tones so that just speaking replicates the tone for whatever number means “message complete” and I would judge this ruthlessly, except that yours truly suffers the exact same curse.

Scene 7: Kary the Honeybadger. Kary II (not to be confused with Cary Deuber (Cary I), who she replaced with a K) is a Highland Park mom. She doesn’t care if anyone judges her, so judge away. Kary II is friends with Cary I and doesn’t appreciate what LeeAnne said about Cary I’s husband—and the only reason this makes the cut is so we can flash back to the infamous doctor’s office conversation through a wooden door where LeeAnne tells Brandi where Mark Deuber gets his d*** sucked, and by whom. Cruelly, they cut short the most iconic portion of this LeeAnne scene where we heard “theyese haynds. They’re juyust haynds, but thay werk quaaait weyell.” So let's say a little prayer that we are treated to that nugget again soon, because it is timeless as a pencil skirt and as priceless as a Vermeer.

Scene 8: Meet Eduardo. Eduardo is Kary II’s relatively new, but clearly long-suffering husband. Kary II is hard not to like. I think she’s joking when she says she no longer has an accent, because no one except Boris Yeltsin and Charo has ever had a stronger accent than Kary II. She mortifies her four children by talking about sex in bar bathrooms and her boob job too, so what's not to love?

Scene 9: The Friendtervention—thank you Stephanie. Stephanie and Brandi have a friendtervention (flashback to their own friendtervention where they both cried and said “I’m sorry” in little baby voices) for D'Andra and LeeAnne. Brandi asks in her baby voice in present time if D'Andra and LeeAnne can make up, and we find out that Rich (who’s apparently a pirate, judging by his accessories) texted Jeremy about someone named “pretty Jessica,” who must be very pretty with a name like that—and taunted him about allegedly having an affair with her. This is tit for tat for D’Andra alleging that Rich was cheating last season. Anyhow, snore. I don’t care if either of these men are having affairs, but I DO care that D’Andra and LeeAnne went from having matching Morticia Adams meets Elvira hair to matching caramel hair--so thanks for pointing that out, Stephanie. And also thanks for ordering frientervention food that nobody is eating. I’m glad you didn’t cook. Speaking of Stephanie, she says “fill” instead of “feel.” So she fills like this and she fills like that. And finally, thank you for telling D’Andra and LeeAnne, “you guys are both great” when LeeAnne was sarcastically saying that D’Andra is better in every way than her. Don’t worry, RHOD fans—both ladies agree to take baby steps and time to heal their wounds and pray for one another’s joy and happiness, so I’m sure they will get along PERFECTLY from now on . . . flash forward to D'Andra's birthday roast. Until then.

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