REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS RECAP: S4 / E3 CAREYES OR BUST

INTRO MONTAGE The day opens with handsome Jeremy waking up D’Andra in their cluttered room, and Kary II asking presumedly long-suffering Perita to clean up her white shirt and boots for dinner. Brandi feeds her currently sweet baby son, and Kameron pretends to be present and fun playing with a whoopy cushion with her family—and Kameron thinks Brandi is tacky.

SCENE 1: SHREK MAD We get a peek at Hollman Industries where they make stuff, judging by the B-roll manufacturing footage, and evidently they’re also verrry innovative, based on the white board that says innovation with a related inspirational quote. Travis is miffed like the Hulk / grouchy Shrek that D’Andra missed their business coaching session due to a hair mishap, and leaves a sassy / condescending message for D’Andra about how she d’idn’t come through. He says he d'id his part and he’s d’isappointed and it was d’isrespectful. It’s somehow paternalistic and condescending, even though he has a right to be disappointed. Finally, he says the first thing about business is “you gotta show up.” And he’s right. But she’s not a college intern. She’s the owner of a big company. Yes, it’s a failing big company, but still. Give it a rest, Travis. We get it.

SCENE 2: NARDOS As is abundantly obvious from its chic name, Nardos is one of the premier COO-TOUR-EE-YAYYYYS in all of Dallas. Thank God Steve the wedding planner accompanies LeeAnne, as he is our gift in a sometimes dark world. They only have six weeks instead of six months before the wedding, but they would like a custom fancy lace body-conscious wedding gown with a gazillion foot train valued at $10,000+ for free. In what shall henceforth be known as ‘the Nardos incident,’ Steve and LeeAnne create the most awkward moment seen on TV, and in an instant, we finally know Steve’s real role: he’s charged with the EXCEEDINGLY awkward task of asking for free wedding stuff for LeeAnne. And so in an act of shamelessness / passive aggression never before seen on TV, Steve tells the designer at Nardos that LeeAnne has SO many people who are wanting to do things for her, but she’s so humble and hesitant about accepting things people want to do for her . . . (pregnant pause). He ends with “that’s a lot of what we’ve been doing.” Translation: “we’ve just put you on television where you can’t possibly turn us down without everyone you know knowing . . . and we expect a very expensive custom dress with lots of expensive fabric for free.” Because LeeAnne is such a connector. Finally, the hapless couturier gets it and says she’d be honored to make her dress, for free. And as panic sets in, she inquires if she can make up for the thousands of dollars in losses by dressing some bridesmaids (no) or anyone else. LeeAnne offers up Kameron. And Kameron thinks Brandi is the classless one in the group.

SCENE 3 // STEPHANIE STRUGGLES

Stephanie still struggles with self esteem, and kudos to her for telling the world about her challenges with depression, perfectionism, and mental health. I’m no psychologist, but speaking in a grown up voice might be empowering, Stephanie. . . . You know what? Scratch that. We love you just the way you are—especially your baby voice.

SCENE 4 // THE APOLOGY

D’Andra doesn’t like laundry and Jeremy gives really smart advice to take complete responsibility for D’Andra’s missed meeting with Travis—maybe having handsome Jeremy in on business meetings isn’t the terrible idea that it originally seemed. Travis, to his credit, is no longer angry Shrek / Hulk and is a professional, perfect gentleman.

SCENE 5: PACKING FOR CAREYES

OK, Kameron might be a caricature of a person, but her daughter Hilton remains MVP. She walks the line of dragging her mother, but not being a rude monster. It’s a thin line. Imitating her mother, “I need this, I need that,’ and then Kameron—not to be outdone by her daughter—announces that certain suitcases aren’t suitable, because they might get beat up on the COMMERCIAL flight. Brandi’s daughter Brooklyn does not walk the line between dragging her mom and rude monsterdom going through her mom’s closet: “UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY fiiiine UGLY UGLY.”

SCENE 6: THE AIRPORT and THE LONG BUS RIDE

Brandi is first to the airport, and D’Andra isn’t D’Last! On the COMMERCIAL flight, we learn the Stephanie is making a big sacrifice to go to Careyes because she’s always been pretty sure Mexico is dangerous for tourists—translation: white people—and that Kameron is ready to show off her Spanish with her DOS GRANNDAYY bags. We learn when they land that in high school, Kameron was voted most likely to be on the cover of Cosmo and most likely to get lost on her way to college. I’m inferring it was a small high school, and that her ridiculous, cartoonish manner of speaking was on display way back then.

Kary II is mixing people together in a hat to draw for roommates, and everyone d’agrees that D’Andra is the worst to room with. LeeAnne is over the ride, and they stop at a gross bathroom. Really, ladies? You ALL can’t go two hours without a potty break? Maybe you should spend less time subtly / not subtly showing us your Gucci belt buckles and more time working on your kegels.

SCENE 7: QUANTAS CABANAS?

Kary II’s blue house in Careyes is stunning and famous (google blue house cliff Carayes), and there are seven bedrooms, so LeeAnne is piiisssssssssed about sharing a room and she’s being a real pill about it. But Kameron thinks Brandi is trashy. LeeAnne also doesn’t like the stairs. Kary II is having none of LeeAnne’s complaints, mmkay, and asks her why she’s so negative. LeeAnne maintains in her confessional that she’s not negative. The evidence? “I used to have an inspirational blog.” And thank you, LeeAnne, because this made my day.

Dear Bravo,

Please share LeeAnne’s inspirational blog along with a constant loop of Ultimate Living’s defunct Christian infomercials IMMEDIATELY.

Sincerely,

Everyone

Stephanie changed into a sundress and her baby voice for sunset. Kameron doesn’t understand why LeeAnne is so misunderstood, because she has a double standard for everything. ONLY Brandi is tacky in Kameron’s eyes.

SCENE 8: PRENUPS ALL AROUND

Kari II makes jewelry because she needs her own money—before this, it was an allowance. Kameron needs Sparkle Dog to make her own money, because before that, Court had her on an allowance. And apparently EVERYONE in Dallas has a prenup: Kari II, Kameron, Stephanie, D’Andra—only LeeAnne and Brandi don’t have them because, well, let’s just say there’s no need. Kameron says some people have to make weight to meet their obligation under their prenup and ew—but whether that’s true or not, it’s batshit crazy talk like this that makes Dallas the best housewives franchise.

SCENE 9: BRANDI IS NIGHT NIGHT

Brandi is out cold and Stephanie thinks it’s the poops. Kameron needlessly mentions the cliché that time flies with kids and now shit is about. to. get. real: Kari II’s mom was an alcoholic. LeeAnne grew up as a carney with unspeakable torture and things get dark real quick, and I feel for LeeAnne. It’s not good. It’s f-d up, it’s suicidal, and now Kari II feels a little bit bad. But D’Andra is out of sympathy for LeeAnne, and so is Stephanie. They think LeeAnne’s depressing talk is a way to excuse her own bad behavior and shut the conversation down. Damn, these bitches are sick and tired and cold AF.

And THAT is Episode 3. See you next week if my prenup permits.

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