REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS RECAP: S4 / E2 IT’S ALL ABOUT THE APPETIZERS
- Urban Suburban
- Sep 24, 2019
- 6 min read
SCENE 1: 90/20—HOW IS THIS A THING?
Kary II arrives to meet Kameron and Stephanie at a bizarre workout routine called 90/20 sporting an extreme gauzey scarf look. Kameron is SOOOOO busy, in case you were wondering. Kary II cannot stop talking about her vagina, multiple orgasms, etc. Ew, Kary II. No thank you. Kameron thinks Kary II is a kick because she’s so irreverent. Note this is the EXACT same reason she hates Brandi, because money and status make bad behavior ok, and Kameron is a giant Big Bird hypocrite. Kameron tells us that the workout, which appears to be teensy little leg bends while hooked up to a mosquito zapper is like hiking a mountain. But guess what, she says in a verrrrrrry in-the-know, conspiratorial, noddy, and yet judgy way, “you’re not, you’re still in the city.” In discussing D’Andra’s upcoming birthday roast, Kameron will be there because she has decided to leave the Global Pet Expo (um. What?) early. Stephanie thinks D’Andra is not especially suited for a roast maybe doesn’t know what a roast is—and here is the first crack of the evening at D’Andra’s eating: Stephanie thinks D’Andra might be confusing it with a pot roast.
SCENE 2: SALTY TALK AT THE KUNG FU SALOON
Brandi and LeeAnne and are sharing a fried appetizer that nobody is actually eating and having skinny margaritas at the Kung Fu Saloon. LeeAnne is either trying to relate to what she thinks Brandi wants or else playing up her carnie history, because she’s talking real salty: “I’mma need another margarita . . . b**** f***ing skunk stripe . . . piece of sh** . . . b*** . . . bullsh** . . . b*** who f***ing told you that?” They also keep talking smugly about how they reconnected and had a great time at a mutual friend’s baby shower – turns out that mutual friend was Andy Cohen, and that’s why they’re so smug. But in their defense, I’d be WAY more obnoxious about it if I were there. After buttering her up with lots of blue language, LeeAnne tries to get Brandi to agree with her that D’Andra’s (several) apologies at Stephanie’s friendtervention aren’t good enough. Here’s what she wants from D’Andra: “I’m sorry I made up lies about your fiancé. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good friend and I want to do better.” She asks us if that seems like a lot to ask for? And the answer is yes. Yes it does. It seems like an awful lot.
SCENE 3: BAD PARENTING 101
Do I feel bad I’m talking smack about a 10 year old? I do. I really genuinely do. But how can one write a summary of a scene that’s all about horrible behavior and horrible parenting without mentioning it? It’s bigger than the elephant in the room—it’s the entire room. The scene begins with Brooklyn yelling “I’ve never worn that in my life because it’s ugly,” and Brandi talking in a teeny tiny soft baby voice to their nanny that she’s going to take Brooklyn shopping for some bonding time. Because that’s exactly what you do when your daughter is being a monster: take her shopping. Fast forward to the car:
Brandi: I’m so excited to hang out with you today.
Brooklyn: “I’m noooot.” Puts on headphones
Brandi (in whisper / baby voice when I’d have already unpacked my most severe mommy dearest voice): Brooklyn, that’s so rude.
Brooklyn: Who said I had to be nice? Puts on headphones again
Brandi, now at the store: Are you feeling any better?
Brooklyn: “none of your business”
Brandi: Do you feel like I’m spending more time with your siblings?
Brooklyn: I don’t care.
Long story short, Brandi doesn’t know what to do. She tries taking away electronics, but clearly not for long enough. They spend $729.61 on monster clothes, and Brandi hopes it will get her 10 minutes of good behavior. Barf. Brandi needs to reverse course stat, or this sh** is going to get much much worse.
SCENE 4: LEEANNE HAS LOUBOUTINS
LeeAnne either wants to make sure you know she’s got an expensive pair shoes or she has never warn heels before. We are skipping what LeeAnne said about her first date with Rich, because this is a family recap blog. It’s margaritas and spinach artichoke dip tonight—this show is about nothing if not appetizers. Side note: how big will LeeAnne’s lips have to get before there’s some kind of intervention? Rich says, “YARRRR. I’m a pirate, matey!” OK, no he doesn’t say that. He sweetly says to LeeAnne, “I got you. I’m your safety net.” Which almost makes up for the fact that he’s been married three times and I’m concerned his picker is as broken as his eye. Good lord, I’m a bitch.
SCENE 5: LIPS AND LIPS
Lips McGee and Lips McGillicuddy are having wine and appetizers at Wine + Dine. Burrata and charcuterie, to be specific. LeeAnne is dressed like a bumble bee in yellow and black and is all-in on asking D’Andra to d’apologize. Again. D’Andra is in leopard shoes, and gamely takes responsibility AGAIN for her part in their tiff. But that’s not d’good enough for LeeAnne. She needs D’Andra to own that she lied about Rich. Side note: D’Andra’s lower right jaw has a new dimple after her facelift and now I can’t unsee it. OK, back to it: D’Andra apologizes for the gazillionth time, but she’s not going down LeeAnne’s rabbit hole on this anymore. We get another flashback to last year’s conversation between the two where D’Andra suspects LeeAnne knows about Rich’s infidelity and confronts her in an extremely weird hat and earrings. D’Andra humbly says she’s apologized three times, but that’s a severe undercount. She has apologized on AT LEAST three occasions, but it’s going on 10 apologies that we’ve witnessed on camera. And now they’ve settled it and everyone is satisfied, but the digs start anew: D’Andra asks LeeAnne if she’s spoken to her mom—a very sore subject for LeeAnne, and she knows it. And LeeAnne responds in kind digging at Mama Dee, “my mother has no financial hold over me, so I have no need to talk to her.” At least we know Mama Dee doesn’t give a rip.
SCENE 6: WE FEEL FOR YOU, EDUARDO
Kary II is out to dinner at Cru—also dressed like a bee—with her relatively new, but long-suffering husband, Eduardo. They are hungry, so they’re starting with beet salad and burrata. Eduardo asks about specials but Kary II is incensed. CAN’T WE WAIT UNTIL WE GET THE APPETIZERS. WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD THE APPETIZERS. Cut to her interview where she says marriage is hard. Yep—I’m sure Eduardo would agree with you, Kary II. They decide to offer up Eduardo’s family house in Careyes for D’Andra’s birthday, so we have that to look forward to. Kary II bitches about their marriage and Eduardo says she’s not always the easiest. Clearly.
Scene 7: ONLY TWO PEOPLE KNOW WHAT A ROAST IS
D’Andra’s getting her roast hair and makeup done. Stephanie and Brandi are excited to roast D’Andra, but SPOILER ALERT: there will only be two roasts that are even sort of good, and they’re theirs. Stephanie’s worried her roast is going to suck and she’s going to FILL* like a big failure. (*Stephanie mispronounces words like "feel.") We arrive at the party at One Sette Dallas, which is done up fancy with a step & repeat, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say there are probably appetizers inside. Mama Dee is happy to host the party, but D’Andra would prefer the cash, mkay? Kary II arrives in a weird but likely couture red lace getup and a strange partial side braid that must be glued in, right? This party has everything: a man with a daring blue hat, a guy from Vanderpump dogs, and lots of people who don’t know what a roast is. Kary in her weird glued braid invites the girls to Careyes, and says to Kameron, “It’s D’Andra’s birthday, you know?” Ummmm. Yep, she knows. You’re literally AT D’Andra’s birthday party right now.
Stephanie goes first with the roast, and kudos to her. Her baby voice is nowhere to be heard and she gives a strong, confident, GREAT roast: she gamely digs at all the old people in the crowd, and she says she thought D’Andra would bring class sophistication and money to the group, and boy was she wrong. She ends with another good one about how they stay at home doing nothing all day while their spouses work, and “I’m talking to to you Jeremy.” And THAT is HOW YOU DO A ROAST.
After Stephanie, it’s all downhill. LeeAnne correctly points out that nobody else is really doing a roast, but that’s not even the main problem. The main problem is that EVERY EFFING GUEST is trying to say something and that’s not realistic. It’s the guy in the blue hat, it’s D’Andra’s new assistant with a clipboard who has only worked for her for three weeks. It’s random acquaintances. It’s LeeAnne weirdly having D’Andra open her birthday gift (candles) in public. This is not how a roast works—it should be a small group of people who are the funniest saying funny things—not everyone you know saying nothing. We wrap up with Rich talking about her insatiable love for food and giving her 50 donuts—the second dig of the night on D’Andra’s eating. But all is not lost. Brandi gives a genuinely good roast and there you have it: the baby voice sisters come through big.
Will there be appetizers in Careyes? Only time will tell.
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